A few more laughs ....

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing.

So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The Manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $5,000".

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.

The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one.

From the backroom the Manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."




This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Two aussie window cleaners are working on the outside of a 6 storey airport building in sydney.
One of them says, “I want to piss, let’s go down”

Mate“ just piss from here”.

“But there are people down there”.

“See that fountain? Lean out and aim right there, no one will notice”

“No way, mate I’ll fall down”

“Don’t worry mate, I’ll hold you" .

So he starts to piss but his mate loses his grip, and he falls to his death

A year later after, in London three women are in the cafe, talking about men.

I’ll tell you, the most sex thirsty men are Italians. When I was there on vacation, I couldn’t make a step without them hitting on me!

No, it’s Mexicans. Those sweaty hairy macho men undress you with their eyes every second!

That’s nothing compared to Australia.
Why is that?

I’ve been there last year. Right after I walk out of the airport building, I sense something dripping from above. I raise my head, and see a man flying towards me, with pants down, holding his **** with both hands and screaming:

C U U U U U U N T !.
 

colsy

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No wonder snooker takes so ******* long. I’ve just been watching it and the little fecker with gloves on keeps putting the balls back on the table when no one is looking.
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde
says to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just
$10 worth."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Jill’s husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. “Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blonde Interview:
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?”
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

It took me three hours.
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
Harold had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition.

On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Harold congratulated her and paid off his losses.

Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Harold, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation. '

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, Enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Harold narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Harold said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'

Annette burst into tears. 'I can't!'
'What? Why not?' he asked.
'Because,' she sobbed, I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'

'What?!' Aghast, Harold swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'

'You *******!' Harold screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating *******! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!'
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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I went into my local Chinese takeaway last night and got talking to the owner of the shop.
"What you do for a riving, then?" he said."What do I do for a living, you mean?"
"Yes"
"I’m a comedian" I replied.
"Go on then, change colour" he chuckled.
"No! I’m not a ******* chameleon, I’m a comedian"
"Oh right, tell me joke then. Make me raff", he said.
Just then in the kitchen, I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it.
"Wok! Wok!" I shouted.
"Who’s dare.", he said.

**** this, I thought.
I’m off to the Indian
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Dover
I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat
cow waddled up.
“When’s it due, love?” I asked.
“**** off ,You rude *******!” she growled.
I replied...“I meant the the ******* bus,
chubby tits I don't believe anyone would
want to have sex with you!"
================

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down.

You have my Word.
==================
 
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colsy

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hope u like...sorry for delay !

A Scouser and a Mancunian walk into a bakery.

The Scouser steals 3 buns (stereotyping alert!) and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Mancunian, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Mancunian replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The pair then walk back into the bakery. The Mancunian then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

He asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Mancunian then said, "Look in the Scouser's pockets."
=====================
Went into my local bookshop earlier and asked the girl behind the counter

"Do you have that new book out for men with short penises ?"

"I'm not sure if it's in yet" She replied.

"Yes that's the one, I'll take a copy".
=====================


I asked the girl behind the counter at W.H.Smith's "Do You keep stationery ?" She replied "Only for the first couple of minutes,Then I start to wriggle"
====================

A man was sunbathing in the buff at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself".
====================

Oscar Wilde was sitting with a ghastley painted trollop on His lap,Suddenly She jumped up with a scream "It's sticking out !" "You flatter Yourself,Madam" He replied "It is hanging out"

=====================

One pleasant Sunday afternoon a man was out in his driveway washing his car with his son.

After a short time the son says "Dad?"

The father replies "Yes, son?"

"Couldn't you use a sponge instead?"
====================

A woman was asked to give a talk on the power of prayer to her local women’s group. With her husband sitting in the audience, she recounted how they had turned to God when her husband suffered an unfortunate accident.
“Three months ago,” she began, “my husband Colin was knocked off his bicycle and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him. They warned that our lives might never be the same again. Colin was unable to get close to either me or the children and every move caused him enormous discomfort. It meant we could no longer touch him around the scrotum.
“So we prayed that the doctors would be able to repair him. Fortunately our prayers were answered and they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Colin’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. They said he should make a complete recovery and regain full use of his scrotum.”
As the audience burst into spontaneous applause, a lone man walked up to the stage. He announced: “Good afternoon. My name is Colin, and I just want to tell my wife once again that the word is ‘sternum’.”
====================


Prince Harry said that he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding reception.

Prince Philip said sod that, he was going anyway...

====================


Just seen that Wayne Rooney has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital.

"His speech is improving, and he can now string a sentence together."

Said Fergie..

=====================

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters ? ,

Anna one, Anna two .

=====================

Bought some shoes from a drug dealer earlier ,

Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans!!!
 
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colsy

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I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on Swanage beach yesterday
1f641.png
:( Saw a man and woman having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took out his baton to the man. The guy managed to snatch it off him and began to assault the copper and his wife.
Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages..........
 

colsy

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hope members / non members liking these post otherwise I might not be arsed anymore....?

=============

My wife just phoned me all hysterical and said 'the engine has flooded on the car, it wont start'

I laughed and said 'don't worry darling, it's not the engine, it's the carburettor, it sounds like you have been pumping the accelerator on the car before trying to start it up, tell me where the car is and I will come and fix it'

'in the lake behind Tesco's', she replied!
 
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BadBoy03

A Mk1 Is For Life, Not Just For Fun
Sep 6, 2016
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hope members / non members liking these post otherwise I might not be arsed anymore....?

=============

My wife just phoned me all hysterical and said 'the engine has flooded on the car, it wont start'

I laughed and said 'don't worry darling, it's not the engine, it's the carburettor, it sounds like you have been pumping the accelerator on the car before trying to start it up, tell me where the car is and I will come and fix it'

'in the lake behind Tesco's', she replied!

I enjoy them. I sit in my car & catch up with your jokes. They make me lol & I get strange looks from passers by. Thanks! :)
 
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Legojon

I only wanted a remap
Staff member
Moderator
Jul 7, 2015
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hope members / non members liking these post otherwise I might not be arsed anymore....?

I've read all 48 pages. Usually save em for work on a Monday morning to cheer me up.
 
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colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
I walked into a sporting goods store the other day and asked the clerk if they had any camouflage clothing/ equipment for the upcoming hunting season. He replied that they had just received an incredible batch of camouflage equipment just the other day.
"Great", I said. "Where is it"?
The clerk replied, "We can't find it".
========================
An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finish the doctor says,
'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,
'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.'
=====================


On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting lineup.
The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At
this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball
toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse rips a screaming line drive off the wall in straight away center.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could
run, he'd be at Belmont!"
===================

Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting BLIMEY SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL!
==================]

Why Grandfathers are Different.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between
Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special
effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every
Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream,
candy -- just him and his granddaughter.


One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and
could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked
forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would
take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When
they returned ,the little girl eagerly ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single
asshole, piece of ****, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist
left wing *****, blind *******, dipshit, or son
of a bitch anywhere we went!

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I
really didn't have any fun."

====================

20 years ago an elephant was taking a drink from a river when a turtle swam over and bit him on the trunk. The elephant was furious, but the turtle just swam away laughing.
Now in the present, this same elephant is walking down a dirt road with another elephant, when he sees that same turtle crossing the road.
The elephant trumpeted attack, ran forward, brought his massive foot down and crushed the turtle.
His friend said "What did you do that for"?
He replied "20 years ago that very same turtle bit me on my trunk, and swam away laughing".
"Wow" his friend said. "You have an amazing memory:.
"Yep" he answered. "Turtle recall".
====================

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.’

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
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Dover
AN AVID GOLFER


An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is...... I have another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it, doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf-course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Dover
Reporter: "Mr Southgate, how far away are you from a World Class team?"

Southgate: "About 3 hotels."
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Cannot believe that in this day and age that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many people...
Admittedly it wasn't my garden... or my underwear
 
Adrian Flux insurance services - discount for forum members.