A few more laughs ....

colsy

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It's been so hot lately that I have been walking around my house naked, I wasn't sure if my neighbours could see my d**k over the windowsill...So I put on my wife's heels just to make sure!
 
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colsy

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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there and then on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck and proceeded to serve up the breakfast.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's buggered."
 
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colsy

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A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter,
"I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu.
So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says,
"Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, June, who's the cook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork.

He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says,
"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting him, so the next day when the
blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,
"June, rub this fork on your crotch."
She does, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Are you kiddin me, I didn't know June worked here!"
 

colsy

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Smile for the day

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob and have always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags. those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then….”.
 

colsy

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Is it Scotch ?



On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The super market manager's daughter brought the teacher
a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted
it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"


======================================
 

colsy

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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said....
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"

We were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird ****?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
 
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colsy

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I went to the chemist to get some lube.

"We don't have any. Have you tried Boots?"

I want to glide in, not f**king march in!
 
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colsy

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Some t**t's stolen the wife's knickers off the washing line! They can keep the undies..but please bring back the 18 pegs?
 

colsy

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Little Vito
=======


On Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MATH

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?
"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'?. I said '6," replies Little Vito.
"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ******* difference?" asks Little Vito's father..
"That's what I said!"


LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just ******* beautiful!"

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No, He minded his own ******* business"..

========
 

Jimbobcook

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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

------------------------------------------

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

------------------------------------------

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
 
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colsy

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

=================

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks. "What makes
them so special?" "There are three colors,", he replies, "Gold, Silver and
Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why
don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

==================
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
 
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colsy

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A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem. The neighbour says "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red". The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

======================

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked "May I buy you a drink?" Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". A little later, he asks "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good". He invites her up to his apartment and she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". They get to his apartment and he says "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife". She says "Oh, that's different. Send her in".

======================
 

colsy

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Irish Millionaire
============


Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"


"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?


a) Sparrow


b) Thrush,


c) Magpie,


or d) Cuckoo?"




"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."


Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.


"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
 

colsy

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Franks Scrotum
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
 

colsy

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Irish Golfer
========


A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods..Searching for his
ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on
his head and golf ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from
the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddye want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the
golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a
great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits
a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for
him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, yeknow. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out 100Euro bills I didn't even know
were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish.'
 

colsy

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An old one brought upto date!
========================


Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.




The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."




The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.




The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."




The Devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go!"
 

colsy

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Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing
it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny Sydney’, early spring
day, decided he just had to play golf.So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone
he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he
was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and
asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"



PEACE BE WITH YOU ,


 
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