A few more laughs ....

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening -- red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze -- perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to
Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”
 

Jimbobcook

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Nov 24, 2012
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Glad u like. In for surgery on shattered shoulder Monday .Am missing driving, been 5 weeks now had ct scan other week that revealed that I well and truly f......kd it up ! will try and keep a few jokes going on here.
That sounds painful!

Hope you get better soon buddy! Just spend some money on your car so they've arrived before you get back in the driving seat.

Cheers
 
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Legojon

I only wanted a remap
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Jul 7, 2015
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Glad u like. In for surgery on shattered shoulder Monday .Am missing driving, been 5 weeks now had ct scan other week that revealed that I well and truly f......kd it up ! will try and keep a few jokes going on here.

Damn. That's a real downer. Hope it all goes well.
 
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colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
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Dover
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts'. He replied. He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got fuckin Allsorts
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Dover
Salesman
========


A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in, to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model”.

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.


One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20fell out onto the
sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills

falling out of that bag.”


"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I
can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

"Well, now, not so fast,"
said the cop. “Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a
golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into

my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, why not make the best of it!......


"......So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge

clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise
him, grab hold of it and say,
‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes’."


"Well, that seems only
fair," said the cop, laughing. “OK and good luck. By
the way, what's in the other bag?"


“Well, not everybody pays", says the old lady!
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Landing On The Sun

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.




The gathering, and everyone in North Korea watching on television, broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference.






When Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

His cabinet and everyone working in the White House broke into thunderous applause.
 

Jimbobcook

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Nov 24, 2012
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Landing On The Sun

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.




The gathering, and everyone in North Korea watching on television, broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference.






When Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

His cabinet and everyone working in the White House broke into thunderous applause.
Haha that would so happen!

How you getting on buddy? Hope you're fixing up OK.
 
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colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Haha that would so happen!

How you getting on buddy? Hope you're fixing up OK.
thks yes not bad though got plate in shoulder now and no driving for 10wks so well p.....sed off !
Lots of exercises to do physio but not got any appointments yet with nhs .
 

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Testicle Therapy





Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He
immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and
immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow
me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll
be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in
obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at
his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands
inside.

She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that
feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still
think my thumb's broken!
 
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colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Grandmother Audrey and Grandfather Russ were sitting in their veranda rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about the good old days,
when Audrey turned to Russ and said "Darling, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Russ looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Audrey pressed a little farther "Darling, do you remember how after we
were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Russ leaned slowly toward Audrey and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Audrey said "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Russ slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Audrey in panic panic said "Darling, where are you going?"
Grandfather Russ answered "To get my teeth!"

============================================

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his early-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image. Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-sixties. The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. Then he slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me... do I come here often?"

============================================

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?" "Democrat" he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Democrat" she said. My dog bit her as well. As I carried on, I met another man "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Republican" he said. With that my dog bit him. My dog doesn't give a crap about politics.
============================================

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in any feat of strength. He made a special point of making fun of one of the older workers. After several minutes, the older man had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he challenged. "I'll bet you a week's wages that I can wheel something over to that storage shed, that you can't wheel back!" "I'll take your bet, old man" said the young hot shot. "Let's see what you've got". The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said "All right. Get in!"

=============================================

A guy tries to walk into a bar but the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He
arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start
anything!"

=============================================

A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail" says the guy.
"How's anybody supposed to get that?" scoffs the host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not just any girl, buddy"
says the guy slowly. "That's Michelle".

=============================================
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
Hope you are recovering well, obviously still enjoying a good joke :snack:
thks yes and glad to pass on. Another 6 weeks b4 I drive I reckon ,it's a long haul I'm afraid but being positive. saw Physio yesterday and she said 6months with her,on and off ! C
 

BadBoy03

A Mk1 Is For Life, Not Just For Fun
Sep 6, 2016
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Somerset
That is rough...you must be itching to get those car keys out.:drive1:
At least you could be ready for Xmas, all though that's the time when you want to drink & get someone else to drive! Good luck
 
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colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his
wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a Pirate.



The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald
head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days
later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
 

vikram soni

Active Member
Jul 19, 2018
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46495369_2115454318516004_3616744363134025728_n.png

https://www.facebook.com/VizComic/
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
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Dover
West Ham have had to turn down a lucrative shirt sponsorship deal from a pet food company. The contract would have been worth a lot of money but the manager decided that having his players running around wearing shirts saying 'Winalot' would be taking the piss.




I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride. She keeps leaving the toilet seat up




Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will. I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now




I got a new job with the Samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick this morning but they talked me out of it!






If I was a plastic surgeon... I would definitely put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.




When my wife suggested we try playing doctors and nurses. I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days!




I said to my wife over breakfast "Were you faking it last night?" She said "No, I really was asleep!"




After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered 3 words that no man wants to hear "who was that?"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
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Dover
Council Job Interview

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
Both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points
For me to take you on right away.

Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow
At 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,
Why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special
Treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching
Our bollocks.

There's no point in you coming in for that."
 
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