A few more laughs ....

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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The Grumpy Pharmacist



Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife.



Tearfully she said, "The chemist insulted me this morning on the

phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer it.."



Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the

pharmacist and demand an apology.



Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told

him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm

didn’t go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and

hurried out to the car, only to realise that I'd locked the house with

both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my

keys."



"Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I

was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."



"When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting

for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these

people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing."



"Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register

drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get

on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still

ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which

made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles.

Half of them hit the floor and broke."



"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I

finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know

how to use a rectal thermometer."



"Believe me mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
 
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colsy

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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attentions of a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment, and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No"

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear "No, I Norwegian"

*********************************


An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

To his amazement, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in, and the man says "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

*********************************


New Treatment For Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and after being diagnosed with second-degree burns, he was promptly admitted to the burns ward.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
 

colsy

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Little Johnny again..
=================


A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats ******* batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
 
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colsy

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You may have seen a few before... Some brave Man jokes !

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

4 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care

5 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

6 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let it in.

==============================================
 

JHox

Active Member
Feb 9, 2018
51
8
Market Harborough
Christmas Drink Driving
--------------------------------

Please be careful about drink driving as we are getting closer to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Merry Christmas to you all
 

Jimbobcook

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Nov 24, 2012
6,149
2,531
Christmas Drink Driving
--------------------------------

Please be careful about drink driving as we are getting closer to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Merry Christmas to you all
Haha good one!
 

Mwvrati

Active Member
Jan 4, 2019
1
2
www.metalnivratibg.com
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".
"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness - but he's with BUPA."
 
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colsy

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Sorry jokes dried up I'm back I hope...

DOH ...
> I went to the zoo last weekend and wandering around having a look at all the animals I happened to come across a 12" baguette in a cage! I found one of the zoo keepers not too far away and asked why there was a 12" baguette in a cage. He told me it was bred in captivity ...
>
> I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
> "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
>
> The Germans really need to tighten-up on their cake security - at this time of year a heck of a lot of it is stollen.
>
> Just got back from my mates funeral, he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball ... it was a lovely service.
>
> A friend of mine said that his wife had left him...She took with her all his Bob Marley records and his satellite dish .... No Woman - No Sky
>
> Walking down the street the other day and saw my mate pulling a lead with a cabbage on the end. I asked him "why are you pulling along a lead with a cabbage on the end?" He replied "Oh no, the man who sold it to me said it was a collie!!"
 

colsy

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ARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.


Winston Churchill loved them.


Some examples:


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.


8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency', notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'


9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


10 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.


11 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


12 A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.


13 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


14 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.


15 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


16 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.


17 Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.



And my personal favorite:

I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong
 

colsy

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path,takes a big run,and throws himself (Whap!) against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!”
The owner responds, "Genius? ... my arse!. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 

colsy

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A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
 

colsy

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The Proper way to call a golfer a *******
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation of $80.
And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."
 
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colsy

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
Plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out
Onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right
Into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him,
Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, What's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
 
Golf Funny

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
 

colsy

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 
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colsy

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" The homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the ******* dog!"
 

colsy

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?”
He says: "No girl, that is no longer possible for me
Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!?”
They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.
"Oh my goodness", says the hooker, breathless "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”
Says the old man: “Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible..”
 

colsy

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2 cowboys talking about sex.
1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"
"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind.
Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sister’s" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !
 
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