child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some are only edible once.
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Accidentally dropped my Viagra tablets this morning, right after I took one. I felt like a complete idiot crawling around on all fives looking for them.
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A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you - today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked"
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
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The teacher said to young Tom, “What do you think of your Father?”
Tom said, “My dad is a hero – a horse ran loose down the High Street; he caught it, calmed it down and saved people from being injured, so my dad is a hero.”
The teacher said to Ryan, “What do you think of your Father?”
Ryan said, “My dad is a hero – a woman was drowning in the river; my dad dived in gave her the kiss of life and saved her so my dad is a hero.”
The teacher said to Harry, “What do you think of your Father?”
Harry said, “I have got to admit it but my dad is a coward. Last weekend my mother went to stay at her sister’s. My dad was so frightened he had to get the lady in from next door to sleep with him.”
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and
hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to topless bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer,
and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and
kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated
on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the
bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
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Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary's house one night when Rocco loses $600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.
Tony asks "Who's going to go and tell the situation to his wife?"
None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.
Ronald draws a three and loses so he's the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.
Ronald says "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a
problem".
He drives over to Rocco's house and knocks on the door. Rocco's wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.
Ronald replies "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost $600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He's asked me to come over here and apologise to you".
Rocco's wife goes crazy and screams "You tell him I said drop dead!" Ronald doesn't bat an eyelid and says "Okay, I'll go tell him".
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My dad worked as a carpenter his whole life. When he died they buried him with his lathe. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps but I wanted to be a musician. I bet he's turning in his grave right now.
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When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! You can only imagine how I felt when I heard there were things called Cockroaches!
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I went to the bottle
shop Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
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