A few more laughs ....

[colsy]

Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in. As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole aynd without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a 100 MPH and jumped head first into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."

 

[martin j.]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife
one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey
I got to sleep every night with a hottie, a 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a £750,000 home, a £45,000 car, a nice big bed and a
large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve an older guy's problems.

 

[colsy]

Why we love children.

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."


The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”

Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.” The pastor is still laughing.


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

[colsy]

Not new, but in case you missed them first time ...



These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African

Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.


Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain

on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching

them die.



Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.



Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres, take lots of water...



Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me

a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)

A: .and what did your last slave die of?



Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South

Africa? (USA)

A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.

A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which

does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday

night in Hillbrow. Come naked.



Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here

and we'll send th e rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which

is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday

night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.



Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.



Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can

you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.



Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.



Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year

round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk

is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense

rattlesnake serum. (USA)


A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All

South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.



Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 

[colsy]

Board of Directors Meeting
====================


All the members of the Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.


Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.


Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"


"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.


"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.


"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"


"You'd swear to that?"


"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere," insisted Ted.


"Good. Then you fire her."

 

[colsy]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish in rural United States. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and promptly noticed that there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, thought he would have a little fun with the new priest. Putting on his best Irish accent he said, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Then Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

 

[colsy]

A couple's only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat, was to send him out on the
balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the
street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put
their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.
‘An ambulance just drove past’
‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.
‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’
‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’
‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed!


Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.’

 

[colsy]

A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I
> help you ?”
>
> "Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
> "Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
> "In the park just down the road," she replied.
> "Can you describe what happened ?"
> "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when
> a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my
> underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with
> me."
> "Could you give me a description of him ?"
> "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt
> and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his
> knees, one on each leg."
> "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said
> the Sergeant.
> "Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer"
> "That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from
> his accent ?"
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"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."

 

[martin j.]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

 

[martin j.]

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

“There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.


“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

 

[colsy]

A mother of two 16 year old blonde daughters had just bought a new house in a new town. So they were buying paint, shades and all that you would need for a new place.

The mother left the house to go shopping. She told the girls that she wanted them to paint the family room but, not get any paint on their clothes.

After the mother left the two daughters decided that they should just take off all their clothes to obey their mother. So there they were painting naked when they heard a knock at the door.

So they both went to the door and said "Who is it?"

The reply was " The blind man."

So the two blondes thought ... He's blind, so he won't be able to see us naked. They let him in.

The man said "Nice tits ladies, now where do you want the blinds?"

 

[colsy]

Your Duck is Dead:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out
his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes
and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The
cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I
said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's
owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried;
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

 

[colsy]

Buying online HAPPY EASTER TO YOU ALL !

Please be careful about what you buy online.

Even if you buy stuff online, please check out the seller very carefully.

One of our known senior members just lost $4,000, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

The bastards sent him a Magnifying Glass!

The only instructions that came along with it were:

"DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT!'

 

[BadBoy03]

Hope you all had a fab Easter & enjoyed that sunshine (without a magnifying glass)

 

[martin j.]

THE BLONDE WHO HUNTED ALLIGATORS:
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE


After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

”Sonuvabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

 

[colsy]

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv.

All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex - my vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 Bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

 

[colsy]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[colsy]

A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

 

[colsy]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

 

[Legojon]

Love it!!!