A few more laughs ....

Discussion in 'Jokes and Fun' started by colsy, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Subject: Fw: Breastfeeding









    A man was riding a bus, minding his own business,
    when the gorgeous woman next to him started
    to breastfeed her baby.

    The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on,
    eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here.
    Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
    so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice
    man here."
    A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
    "Come on, kid. Make up your mind!
    I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
     
  2. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Colin the Aboriginie

    COLIN
    THE ABORIGINE
    A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

    He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

    Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

    At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

    The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
    everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

    The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

    Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
    Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

    'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

    The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

    'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

    The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

    Again, Colin said "No."

    Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

    Colin said,

    ‘I want the b who pushed me in.’


    =
     
  3. rasch

    rasch Full Member

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    ahhahahahahahahhaa
    nice one
     
  4. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Feel free to ad a few laughs on to this thread :D
     
  5. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Sitting at a stop light..........BRUTAL

    "Give thanks in all circumstances."
    I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

    A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

    Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.

    Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

    For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been me!"

    So immediately I went out and got a job as a truck driver..... :)
     
  6. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    THE GOLFING NUN........

    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

    And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


    'You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?'
     
  7. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    The Italian Virginity Test





    Mario is planning to marry and asks his
    family doctor how he could tell if
    his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

    His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know
    use three things for what we call
    a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~
    a small can of Red paint,
    a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

    Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

    The doctor replies ... "Before you climb
    into bed on your wedding night,
    you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

    If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',

    ..........you hit her with the Shovel.
     
  8. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Banned from Sainsbury's

    Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

    Better watch what you ask retired people.
     
  9. Beazy

    Beazy Full Member

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    Just pulled this out my works email...


     
  10. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Is it true ?

    A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy.
    All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,
    expecting to see another Australian visitor.

    The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

    The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

    The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

    The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

    The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
    Do you drive a tixi?"

    "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
    I mount animals."

    The bartender grins and yells,

    "He's okay boys. He's one of us."
     
  11. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Tiger Woods visits Ireland !

    On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
    The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
    Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
    Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
    "What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger..
    "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
    "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
    "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!" :D
     
  12. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Important rules in life

    simple truths and the rules of life ...........



    SIMPLE TRUTH 1

    Partners help each other undress before sex.

    However after sex, they always dress on their own.

    Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.







    SIMPLE TRUTH 2

    When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "congrats".

    But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

    Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.



    FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

    1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable

    to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

    3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember

    you when they're in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

    THERE YOU HAVE IT ;)
     
  13. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Snotty receptionist

    SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST





    An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large
    unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
    He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

    The room erupted in applause

    DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS
     
  14. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Dead cow lecture at vet school

    First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
    with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ”the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. “Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
     
  15. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    News from bradford and leeds

    LATEST NEWS FROM BRADFORD & LEEDS
    نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
    If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.
     
  16. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    London cabbies

    A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London.
    He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his
    religious teaching from the Koran, he must not listen to music because in
    the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which
    is the music of the infidel.

    The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened
    the door.

    The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

    The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so
    Kiss my ass and wait for a camel!!"
     
  17. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A little Golfing story ...

    A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

    A new woman joined their Club.

    She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

    The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

    He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.
    They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

    They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

    The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

    Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.

    They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.

    From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

    The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
    pointing straight up?"

    She said, "Ahhh, then I'm fifteen minutes late."

    Have a nice day !! :D
     
  18. monkee

    monkee Yes im naked in my avatar

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    Like it :lol:
     
  19. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    The defective parrot

    A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
    The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

    The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
    I'm a defective parrot.'

    'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
    'You actually understood and answered me. !'

    'I got every word,' says the parrot.
    'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

    'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
    'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

    'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

    'Wow,' says the guy.
    'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

    'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
    You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

    The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

    'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

    'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
    You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

    The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by.
    The parrot is sensational.

    He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

    One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
    'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

    'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

    'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

    'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
    'THEN what happened?'

    'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

    'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

    'Yes.

    Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

    Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

    DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
     
  20. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Another Golf funny

    Four Golfers were finishing there round going up the 18 th fairway when a Hearse was approaching in the lane next to the Course .
    As it was passing one of them lifted his Cap .
    A playing partner then said:- "That was good of you George, anyone you knew" ?

    "Yes it was my wife " said George . :D
     

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