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A few more laughs ....

Discussion in 'Jokes and Fun' started by colsy, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Cannot believe that in this day and age that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many people...
    Admittedly it wasn't my garden... or my underwear
     
  2. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    That Halifax advert with Top Cat in it is spot on.

    A few years ago I took out a mortgage with the Halifax, and now I live in a bin in an alleyway.
     
  3. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    My wife reckons I'm going through a mid-life crisis but she's talking shite. If I want to put on my leathers and bandana and straddle the old two stroke that's up to me.
    Anyway..it's my fuckin' ride-on mower.
     
  4. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    I woke to find my wife sliding off my boxer shorts .
    I looked down at her between my legs and said with excitement, “But it’s not my birthday until tomorrow.”
    “I know, but I wanted to surprise you,” she smiled. “And I don’t know what size boxer shorts you wear.”
     
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  5. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    My wife yelled at me earlier "You weren't even listening there, were you?"

    I thought "Fucking hell, what a weird way to start a conversation".
     
  6. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    My wife is a sex object........ every time I ask for sex she fucking objects!
     
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  7. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Politics



    I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

    HE SAID, "NO."

    I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."

    HE SAID, "YES."



    I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER

    TO MARRY MY SON."

    BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

    I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."

    BILL GATES SAID, "OK."



    I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM

    TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

    HE SAID, "NO."

    I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."

    HE SAID, "OK."

    AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.



    And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions

    of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
     
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  8. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    I was in blissful heaven walking through endless meadows of wildflowers with my beautiful girlfriend ...

    Then the L.S.D wore off and I realised ,

    I was chained to lamppost dressed as a pirate and dragging a popped blow up doll around in circles in asda car park .
     
  9. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    All my German work mates have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup !

    My phone is now completely Hans Free
     
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  10. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    I was in a queue waiting to pay for my petrol and the guy at the front said "Pump one."
    Which got me thinking "I wonder if the Queen ever says that to Prince Philip?
     
  11. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Just had the Old Bill at the door

    "I've had reports that your dog's been chasing a man on a bike "..
    .
    I said"bollocks my dog can't ride a bike"
     
  12. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

    I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's at work."
     
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  13. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Worldwide, more than 140 million people suffer from alcoholism.

    Well, not me.

    I fucking love it.
     
  14. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Q , Why Have Elephants Got Big Ears
    A , Because Noddy would not pay the Ransom

    ===================

    Q. What do you call a snowman in July?
    A. A puddle.
    ==================

    A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
    "You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real."
    "I know," he says. "But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock."
    ==================

    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

    One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter today, I might never get another chance.” To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

    Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
    =====================
    A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $8,000 ring.

    The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
    The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it".
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man,

    But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

    See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile
    ======================
    As a butcher is chasing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
    Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
    He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
    The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
    When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
    The butcher follows the dog, totally amazed.
    As the bus travels out into the countryside, the dog takes in the scenery.
    After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell and then the butcher follows him off the bus.
    The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
    He goes back down the path, takes a big run and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
    He does this again and again. No answer.
    So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window. He then jumps off and waits at the front door.
    A few moments later, a big geezer opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
    The butcher runs up and screams at the geezer: "What the hell are you doing? This dog is a fricking genius!"
    The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.........
    it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
    ===================

    The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
    When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
    and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
    But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
    'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
    'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
    'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
    'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
    'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
    The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
     
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  15. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
    To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”
    ====================
    The Human Cannonball went up to the circus owner and told him that he was quitting.
    The owner replied, "Please reconsider. Where am I ever going to find another man of your calibre."
    ====================
    Prince Charles went to the wedding of an old friend in the remote Welsh Village of Ffaldybrenin. He showed up to the wedding wearing an immaculate Tuxedo and a rather pretentious hat, that was topped off with a stuffed fox.
    After the wedding a lady asked him why he was wearing such an unusual hat. He told her that his butler (who had a severe cockney accent) was helping him pick out his outfit, he asked him where the wedding was being held, Charles told him Ffaldybrenin, to which his butler replied "Wear the fox hat".
    =================
    A man was in an accident and filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more detailed information. This was his response: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said, in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in agonizing pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind... I let go of the rope..."
     
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  16. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    My wife was going through her wardrobe, she said "look at this, it still fits me after 25 years" I said "it's a f*****g scarf"

    =============================
    It was my birthday last week and my wife asked me if I wanted a pair of Nike Air Max trainers for my present.

    I told her to just give me head and i would be more than happy.

    Anyway, I've got a brand new pair of Head trainers size 11 if anyone wants them.
    ==================================
     
  17. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
    My parents told me to always tell the truth.
    I did.
    Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
    I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
    He said they love animals very much.
    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
    I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
    I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..
    She sent me back to the principal's office.
    He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
    I don't understand.
    My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
    Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
    I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
    Guess where I am now....

    ===================

    A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.


    Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

    'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

    If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

    Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

    'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

    By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

    I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

    'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

    ====================

    ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

    This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

    Dear Sirs,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

    Do you guys do this by hand?

    My birth date you have on my pension book.

    It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

    It is on my National Health card.

    My driving licence.

    My car insurance.

    On the last eight damn passports I've had.

    It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

    All those insufferable census forms.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

    I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
    Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bulls**t!

    You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

    What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

    Look at my damn picture.

    Do I look like Bin Laden?

    I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for s**t sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

    If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*****g people I'd want to tell!

    Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f*****g copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

    Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

    You'd rather have us running all over the f***in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f***in' morons)

    Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

    Signed

    An Irate Citizen

    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

    Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

    I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

    However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

    WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

    ==========================

    Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

    Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly.

    The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer We've just come off the A160"

    ============================

    RELIGIOUS BRAS

    A man walked into the ladies department of a large department store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

    "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

    "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

    "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour, and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only five types of bras," replied the sales clerk.

    Confused, the man asked what were the types.

    The saleslady replied "Catholic, Salvation Army, Mormon, Presbyterian, and Baptist. Which one do you need?"

    Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

    The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Mormon type lifts and separates, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."


    BRA JOKE #2

    A man goes into a lingerie store.

    "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife please," he asks the sales assistant.

    "What bust?" she replies.

    "Oh nothing, it just wore out."
     
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  18. theoldboy

    theoldboy Why buy new when you can Mod it better

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    Thank you very much that got a lot of people looking at me whilst i laughed out loud.
     
  19. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    thought they were funny...thanks
     
  20. Pew.

    Pew. Senior Member

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    2 dislexic guys in a kitchen cooking, ones says "have a smell of that, I can't smell anything "

    The second guys says "mate I can't even smell my name"
     
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