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Discussion in 'Jokes and Fun' started by colsy, Aug 21, 2012.
A man goes into confession after a 20 year absence. As he sits in the booth he looks around and says to the Priest ''The old confessional has really changed father, I dont remember a leather chair, Guiness on tap and Gay porn mags being in the booths 20 years ago'' The Priest said '' That’s because you’re in my fuck'n seat''
DECLINING MOTORBIKE SALES
Apparently, Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles
but Generation Xers are only buying a few,
and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why Millennial's don't ride motorcycles:
1 Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2 Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3 Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4 They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5 Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7 Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8 They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities,
Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9 They are allergic to fresh air.
10 Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11 They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12 The handlebars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13 You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14 It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15 They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16 Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17 Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18 They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19 When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21 It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22 Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
Three couples went out camping.
The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"To have sex!
I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
Sitting in the waiting room and a woman has come in with a lettuce leaf hanging out the bottom of her skirt.
I said " Excuse me Luv but you've got a lettuce leaf hanging out the bottom of your skirt!!"
She said " That's just the tip of the iceberg!! "
A woman had been a prostitute for 4 years and was worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her newly wed husband that she had caught it when climbing over a farmer’s fence.
After 10 minutes in bed with her, he asked, “just how far across the paddock were you before you realised it was caught!”.
I was sitting at the bar before drinking a schooner with a sambucca shot and eating black jellybeans.
This dude walks up and says "You're gunna die soon if you keep shoving that crap in your mouth!!"
I told him that my Grandfather lived to 108 and his mother was 101.
He said "Did they drink beer ,sambucca and black jellybeans too?"
I said "Dunno, but they did mind their own fucking business !!"
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a ute
And last, but certainly not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, he says he can stop any time
A women got married and had 13 children.
Then her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again her husband died.
She married for the third time and had 5 more children.
After a long life, she finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said "Lord they're finally together"
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend.
"Do you think he means her first, second or her third husband"
The friend replies "no I think he means her legs"
The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the fucking dog!
I was stuck in traffic the other day behind a muddy 4X4 and there was a sticker on the back saying "I'm a vet and I drive like an animal".
It was at that point that I realised how many proctologists there are on the road
I think my wife is infected by ransomware she never stops talking, and she’s always asking for money.
The pub near my place is getting really rough.
Went to a Trivia Night tonight and the first question was
" What the f##k are you looking at ? "
Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead?
No, It can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew,he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, wake up! You've shit the bed again!"
I am having a lol moment in work... getting strange looks but a good way to start the day. Cheers!
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him,"Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, You're weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
My dad worked for the Main Roads Department for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all
Just to spice things up I said to my girlfriend, "We'll do a bit of roleplaying tonight."
She was well up for it.
So I said, " You dress up like Whitney Houston, and I'll run you a bath..."
A woman goes to the doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?"
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...what's the secret? How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
A business man got on a lift.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
He smiled at her and replied,
She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
The man smiled back to her and once again,
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."