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A few more laughs ....

Discussion in 'Jokes and Fun' started by colsy, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
    "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
    Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Finbar and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
    Sister Mary Finbar rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
    Sister Mary Finbar then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
     
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  2. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    I saw a pregnant woman standing at the bus stop. I asked her, "when is it due?".
    She answered, "in just over three weeks".
    I said, "f*ck that - I'll just walk home .
     
  3. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
     
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  4. Legojon

    Legojon Will work for TTE420
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    :lol: My life is exactly that!
     
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  5. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Someone stole my mood ring. I don't really know how I feel about that.
     
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  6. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    My girlfriend agrees with every word I say.If she wasn't imaginary,she'd be the perfect woman
     
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  7. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    made me laugh..

    Poetry

    1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.

    2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I wake up screaming.

    3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not..

    4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

    5. I thought that I could love no other
    -- that is until I met your brother...

    6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty and so is your head.

    7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

    8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    9. My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

    10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.
     
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  8. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area.
    The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The
    doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
    dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
    and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left
    testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
    method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he
    put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough
    again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
    Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on
    the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but
    noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then
    told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his
    testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked
    around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor
    said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and
    I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two
    inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
     
  9. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for three hours straight. She has multiple orgasms! After three hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
    "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes.
    Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.

    The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Furry Mammal that eats bushes and leaves."
     
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  10. martin j.

    martin j. Full Member

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    How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer andaScottish police officer?

    The answer is found below.


    QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


    You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

    ANSWERS:

    English Police Officer:

    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

    1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

    2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

    3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

    4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    5) Am I dressed provocatively?

    6) Could I run away?

    7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

    8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

    9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

    10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

    11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

    12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

    13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


    Australian Police Officer:

    BANG !

    American Police Officer:

    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

    'Click'...Reload...

    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


    Glasgow Police Officer:


    "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, ....unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
     
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  11. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Woman: Is there a problem,constable?
    Cop: Yep, you were speeding.
    Woman: Oh, I see
    Cop: Can I see your license please?
    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
    Cop: Don't have one?
    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
    Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
    Woman: I can't do that.
    Cop: Why not?
    Woman: I stole this car.
    Cop: Stole it?
    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Cop: You what?
    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot.You want to see?

    The copper at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
    2nd Copper: Would you step out of the vehicle
    please!
    The woman steps out of her vehicle.
    Woman: Is there a problem sir?
    Cop 2: This constable says you stole this car and murdered the owner
    Woman: Murdered the owner?
    Cop:Yes, could you please open the boot please?
    The woman opens it, revealing nothing but an empty boot
    2nd Cop : Is this your car?
    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first copper is stunned
    2nd Cop: This Police officer claims you also don't have a drivers licence
    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to him . The cop snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
    2nd Cop:He said you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too !!
     
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  12. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
    The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and
    then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
    The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again
    cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins
    screaming with the fans.
    The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:

    "Walk."
    The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and
    screams, "Run ye lazy beggar, RRUNN!"
    The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back
    down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and
    explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls.."
    The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
     
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  13. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
    You have been with me all through the bad times.
    When I got fired, you were there to support me.
    When my business failed, you were there.
    When I got shot, you were by my side.
    When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
    When my health started failing, you were still by my side..
    You know what Martha?"
    "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
    warmth.
    "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
     
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  14. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    This just shows we must not believe in Google absolutely!


    Oh, what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue ...

    A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.



    Later they go on to a show.



    The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.

    You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'


    She agrees and a date is made.



    The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face & knocked him arse over Tit.



    He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.



    She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said ...

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $

    $



    "Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or a fence, no good in an open bed."
     
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  15. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my ex is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries
     
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  16. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
    One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
    The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner !!!!!
    Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a fuckin' doctor! :lol:
     
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  17. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
    ================================
    Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
    A: A blond electrician
    ================================
    One Direction
    The reason we should have killed Justin Bieber before he laid eggs
    ====================================
    The Great Wall is among 7 wonders of the world because it is the only Chinese product which lasted for more than 4 weeks
    ======================================
    I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
    =========================================
     
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  18. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
    One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
    The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
    Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
    "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
    Could you tell us what it is?"
    The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
    The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
    The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
    So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
    The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ ............. But I was wrong, too!"
     
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  19. colsy

    colsy Senior Member

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    If you like to have sex while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get applause every 3 to 4 minutes
    ===============================================================================================
    Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg ,you can hear them say
    " What the fark are you doing ??? "
    =================================================================================================

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
    ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
    The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
    The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
    The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
    You’re not to see that woman again.
    For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box .’
    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
    ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
    The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!
     
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