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Discussion in 'Jokes and Fun' started by colsy, Aug 21, 2012.
A man walks into a brothel and says to the lady "I only have £10, what can you do for me?" She replies, "There is a goat out the back you can **** that if you like?" The man hands over his money and goes and shags the goat.
The next day the bloke goes back to the brothel and says "I only have £5 today what can you do for me?"
She says "For that you can watch a peep show." So the bloke walks into a dark room with about 8 other blokes and takes a seat.
The curtain opens to reveal a bloke shagging a blow up doll. He says what the **** is this? The bloke sitting next to him says "I know, you should have been here yesterday, some geezer was shagging a goat."
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attentions of a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment, and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No"
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear "No, I Norwegian"
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
To his amazement, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in, and the man says "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and after being diagnosed with second-degree burns, he was promptly admitted to the burns ward.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
> The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
> Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,
> and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
> The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
> ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'..”
> Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and
> I was fascinated.”
> The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
> the word ‘fascinate’.”
> Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she
> had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was
> no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
A couple's only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat, was to send him out on the
balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put
their plan into operation;
‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.
‘An ambulance just drove past’
‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.
‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’
‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’
‘Jason is on his skateboard!
After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!
Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’
‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.’
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan,
"So, how are things going down there?”
Satan says, why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!
"Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you.”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?"
One dark night outside Mundare, a small town East of Edmonton, Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the local volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off
Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Then, from a distance, a lone siren was heard as one more fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Smoky Lake rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire from the inside with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Smoky Lake old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The Edmonton TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
" Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking trock."
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road … when a shinny, new convertible pulled up - with a very beautiful women, who asked, "Are you okay ?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that !”
"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes, and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive. And being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed - but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place, which was just few miles away. And after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly !" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. And by the way, where is she ?"
I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
Not many of u like cartoons I see...so tried a few jokes....!!
made me chuckle lol
Couple go to a bar and as they get in the fella says "go find a seat love and I'll get the drinks in" after shes a found a table another bloke walks up to her and bold as brass says "right arse you've got there love" . offended, she says "do you mind? My boyfriends over there!" He looks over, and after a few seconds says "well in that case, i want to turn you upside down and drink beer out of your *****"
"Right!!" She says and runs over to her chap and tells him "some blokes just said ive got a right arse on me" he says "right, where is he, il kill him!" Then she tells him "he also said he wants to turn me upside down and drink beer out of my *****!" Fella says "Whoa!! Hang on babe! I cant **** with anybody who can drink THAT much beer!!"
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.
After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink.
All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.