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Discussion in 'Jokes and Fun' started by colsy, Aug 21, 2012.
A retired man went into the Job Centre in Brisbane and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go to Dulacca Queensland."
"Good grief," the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."
An old Pilot sat down at the Gloria Jeans Coffee, still wearing his old RAAF flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Boomerangs, then the early Wirraways...flew a Catalina and Beaufort in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Mustangs and in Vietnam, Canberras and Phantoms .
I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds,so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
A gay man decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks.
On arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of the heavyweight
Boxer Evander Holyfield.
'Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my bottom?'
He asked the tattooist.
So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture
On the wall, this time Mike Tyson.
'Oh, good Lord!' he exclaims, 'I just adore Iron Mike! Can
You do him on my other cheek?'
So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, 'Well come on then, drop
Your trousers and give us a look.'
So he quickly drops his pants and bares his bottom.
His boyfriend gasps and replies, "I think our relationship is over!
I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."
My wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for me, I burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' I said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' My wife stared at me,'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' I calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night...
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Skinny little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little Irishman says:
'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jay$u$, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
I need everybody to wish me luck today!!
I have a meeting at the Bank later, and if all goes well I will be debt free!!
I am so excited I can barely put on my Balaclava!!
Its the time of the year when some people will find it very difficult to cope!!
If you know of anyone who will be alone or eating alone this Xmas!!!
Please let me know ASAP!! As I need to borrow some chairs!!
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
A man walked into a sports bar with an Ohio State sweatshirt and his dog so he could watch the Ohio State - Michigan game on TV.
The bartender told him that the dog couldn't stay. The man said "Please let him stay. My dog is the biggest Ohio State Fan of all time and our TV is out at home." The bartender relented and allowed the dog to stay. Sure enough, the dog was a huge fan. His tail wagged every time Ohio State got a first down. He growled at the TV when Michigan did something good. He clapped his paws together and barked happily every time the Buckeyes scored. When the game ended and Ohio State had won, the dog did three backflips and howled with joy. The bartender said, "That's amazing. Does he do that every time Ohio State wins." "Yes he does" replied the Buckeye Fan. "What does he do if Michigan wins?" asked the bartender. The Ohio State fan replied "I don't know. I've only had the dog 8 years."
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village, nobody liked him because he was very very stupid, his teacher was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur, I can't teach you anything". One day Arthur's mother came to the school to check on how he was doing, the teacher told her that her son was simply a disaster, and that she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career, "he'll never amount to anything" she said, the mother was so shocked to hear this that she immediatly withdrew her son from the school.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she was told that there was only one brain surgeon that could perform the operation and that he originally came from the local village, so everything was arranged and she had the operation which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the operation the surgeon that had performed it was smiling down at her, she wanted to thank him so she asked him his name, he was about to tell her when suddenly her face started to turn blue and she died, the surgeon was shocked and was trying to work out what had gone wrong, it turned out that the hosptital cleaner had accidently unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his hoover, his name was Arthur.
Don't tell me you thought that an idiot like Arthur could became a brain surgeon!
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete ****.
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s! Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"