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Discussion in 'Jokes and Fun' started by colsy, May 26, 2016.

  1. colsy

    colsy Active Member

    Joined:
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    Paddy dies and goes 2 hell, devil shows him 3 doors, "pick 1 where
    you'll spend eternity", Paddy looks behind 1st door. Boiling water was
    dripping in from the ceiling, 2nd door has hot coals on the floor to
    walk on, 3rd door, an old man was gettin a blowjob from busty blonde,
    "i'll take door 3" says paddy, devil taps blonde on shoulder, "you can
    go now, Paddy's taking over.
    ..........................................
    I was lying on the doctors examination table today when she asked "How
    is your libido?"

    "My what?" I replied

    "Libido" she said "Do you feel like having sex?"

    "Ok," I replied "But we'll need to be quick my wife is waiting in the car"
    ........................................
    David Cameron goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, every time i look in
    the mirror i get an erection."

    The doctor replies, "No wonder... you're a ****." (Many a true word
    spoken in jest. H)
    .....................................
    Having a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having
    a bathroom with a magazine in it..!!

    It gives you something to read while you're in the shltter!
    .......................................
    Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when
    suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy,
    whip
    me, whip me!"
    Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
    have
    any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window,
    snaps
    the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both
    collapse
    in ecstasy.
    About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are
    starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
    The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks
    having sex?"
    Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has allowed Paddy to whip
    her,eventually admits that, yes, she did.

    Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
    in all
    my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
    that I've
    ever seen."

    ........................................

    Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
    When I got to the door I couldn't jump.
    So the 6ft 7” black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 10 inches
    & says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your arse !......
    Mick asks "Did you jump?".
    Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in".

    ........................................

    When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

    But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cinderella was now 95 years old.

    After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon
    her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
    cat named Bob for companionship.

    One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
    Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
    these years?"

    The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
    life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
    yearns?"
    Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
    consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful,
    but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability
    checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

    Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

    Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

    The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you
    want for your second wish?"

    Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young
    and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

    At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
    returned - and Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been
    dormant for years.
    Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what
    shall it be?"

    Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I
    wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
    young man."

    Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
    biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
    beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
    The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
    life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone as
    suddenly as she appeared.

    For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's
    eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
    stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

    Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
    chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms. He leaned in
    close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered....
    "Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off!"

    .......................................

    I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter.
    I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.
    All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."
    However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Ever since I've downloaded Adblock, all the single girls in my area seem
    to have lost interest...

    --------------------------------------------------------

    There are so many Romanian and African immigrants to the United Kingdom,
    the place hardly feels like Poland any more.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    I was put in prison and taken to a cell where I was greeted by this huge
    black guy.

    "Hello, little bitch, you're mine now. I hope you like the taste of
    ****," he said.

    "I love it," I replied. "I'm doing life for cannibalism."

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

    The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a
    beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at
    her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it
    and asks for a third beer.

    Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression,
    until the woman says:

    — What, have you never seen a naked woman before?
    — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay
    for the beers.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it
    would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right... we
    had 6 matching balls.
    ...........................................
    A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people
    waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom
    something awful and couldn't hold it for another minute. Not wanting to
    upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door
    for another priest to help him out but there wasn't a priest to be found.

    Suddenly the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the
    priest grabbed him and said "You just gotta help me out! I have to go to
    the bathroom and the line is so long. It's very simple. There on the
    wall is a chart... column A lists the sins and column B lists the
    penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance
    is".

    The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the
    holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while
    the priest hurried away to the bathroom.

    The very next person in line entered the booth and began "Forgive me
    Father for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession.
    Last night I let my next door neighbour's wife give me a blow job.
    That's it, Father".

    The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldn't find
    "blow job" anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to
    look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.
    Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and
    stammered "Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?" "Two
    Snickers and a Coke" replied the boy.
    ..................................................

    Three Irishmen are sat in a pub. Mick says, "Women are so stupid.
    My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!" Shamus says,
    "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!"
    Paddy says,"That's **** all.
    My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a ****!"
    ....................................................


    This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class.
    The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman
    can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

    A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and
    wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that
    such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet
    again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has
    finally had enough. She turns to the man and says "Three times you've
    sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to
    wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

    The man replies "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very
    rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm". The woman
    then says "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

    The man looks at her and says "Pepper".
    .......................................................

    An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just
    wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join. He
    strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits
    on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her
    causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man's
    erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing
    oral sex on him. The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and
    tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.

    The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While
    walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man
    sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the
    old man.

    The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his
    membership. "But why" asks the person at the desk "you just said this
    was one of the greatest places you ever visited". "Yes" replies the old
    man "but at my age I only get excited once every three months, but I
    drop my cigar five times a day".
     
  2. LillianJacks

    LillianJacks Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2016
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    The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

    The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

    But the Pope persists, "Please?"

    The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

    So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

    Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

    Chief: What sort of problem?

    Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

    Chief: Important like the mayor?

    Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

    Chief: Important like the governor?

    Cop: Way more important than that.

    Chief: Like the president?

    Cop: Much more important.

    Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

    Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!":D
     
  3. alexalex

    alexalex Active Member

    Joined:
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